In the interests of the health and welfare of Crumb Stoppers Secret Agents, gum which was originally obtained from the underside of restaurant tables and mixed with pond scum is now available in handy dandy dispensing machines, mixed with water from the Great Salt Lake to maintain their high standard of yucky.

Being ever vigilant and politically correct, Crumb Stoppers no longer advocates the use of toxic products, but still allows testing the yuck factor of its gum balls on mothers-in-law, especially if they are of the crummy variety. We never test the efficacy of our products on pets ... bosses, yes, pets, never!

If your mother-in-law is not crummy, Crumb Stoppers staff wants to know if your spouse has any brothers or sisters.

Wad gum into a hand-sized gob (technical term), add the dark part of overripe bananas and a dash of black pepper. Give any two year old a hammer and run like !@*#^$, because any release of the contents of this mess is sure to boost tissue sales within a two-mile radius.

(See formula in number 2) Rub a little of this gunk on your face and nobody will recognize you! The smell alone is guaranteed to be a high powered knockout weapon before anyone can touch you.

This emergency ration of Vitamin gum should make no one happy, except your dentist or orthodontist. But what the heck, a Secret Agent's life expectancy isn't all that long, anyway.